I am hesitant to reach out to other people because I am afraid of commitments; afraid that people would use me a clutch; afraid that I would be an enabler to other people and ultimately I am afraid that people would cast me aside once they realise that I have little to offer when it comes to providing them with empathy or the lack thereof they expect from people when they show their vulnerable side towards me.
Having spent the majority of my life being emotionally closed out to other people, having no one to confide my woes with when I am upset or someone to share my elation with when I am happy, it’s immensely difficult for me to connect on a deeper and more emotional level with other people whenever they share their feelings with me. For this reason, I find that it’s almost an insurmountable task to unwire the ill-conceived notion that no one cares about how I actually feel after decades of negative conditioning. I also find myself being unable to empathise with other people at times too because I do not know how it feels like to be consoled and to be told that it is alright to feel upset, to be told that it is okay to feel down, as a result, I was unable to provide the necessary emotional support to other people who expected it from me whenever they are feeling down.
My parents have brought me up well in the sense that I have always led a comfortable life and never do I have to worry about my finances once, however, despite that it’s poignant that they forgot the importance of the emotional support a child required growing up; they lacked the emotional intelligence necessary to raise a child with a positive outlook on life. Growing up, I was not aware that it was not okay to NOT have someone to relate my feelings to and it took me a long time to open up and even so, I would say that I am still extremely apathetic today because that is essentially the hallmark of who am I, today.
Do I blame my parents for all these? Absolutely not, after all, they have toiled away to provide for me tirelessly and when I have fucked up education pathway, they never once criticised me but rather, they took my failures in stride and provided me with unrelenting moral support and for that, I am extremely grateful because they still see the hope in me despite my numerous failures. Ironically, this is the sole instance whereby they have had expressed their empathy adequately enough for me to feel better about myself.
I’ll not be a parent because I know that I will not be able to raise a child with a healthy outlook on life and I am contented with that.
I don’t reach out to other people because I am perfectly fine with being myself and honestly, I am trying to change that mindset because friendships are a two-way street and oftentimes, people cut me off from their lives because they were always the ones doing all the work.
I am sorry, it’s tough for me too and please do not forsake me if I don’t reach out to you.